


of unsaid words and lives not lived

by FangirlKats



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon Compliant, Crying, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-24 03:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14347233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlKats/pseuds/FangirlKats
Summary: He remembered how for many years in his life he had thought he couldn’t feel. People in his life hadn’t exactly understood his motives for doing things, and he had been constantly reprimanded for not being empathetic enough or nice enough. Normal enough. It wasn’t until he met Shiro that someone called him something other than heartless.“You’re full of feelings, Keith.” He had said, laughing when Keith presented him with the issue. “It’s not that you don’t have any, it’s that you can’t handle how many you actually have.”





	of unsaid words and lives not lived

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I've been lucky enough to participate as a writer in the Klance Reverse Bang 2018 (also as an admin, but no one cares about THAT).
> 
> I'm going to be posting two fics for the Bang, and this is the first one! I worked with @shiroikumo on tumblr, who made this beautiful art piece that goes along with this fic: http://shiroikumo.tumblr.com/post/173190003157/my-klancereversebang-piece-for-awesome-fic-by. I'm really happy I got to work with them and I hope you like the results! 
> 
> Now, read and enjoy the angst! :D

The pounding in his head wasn’t the worst part of their situation and he knew it, but he still found himself wishing it would just go away. Maybe then he could actually think about something, anything that would made their situation just a tiny bit better. 

He opened one of his eyes and immediately had to close it again, for even in the almost absolute darkness, his eyes and his pounding head couldn’t handle the movement. He swallowed down the bile that made it to his mouth when he tried to turn his head and cringed at the taste of blood. He took a few shaky breaths, trying and failing to clear his head, his lungs, his… anything. 

He knew this was probably it. He had never been a particularly hopeful person, and this situation wasn’t any different. He was way too tired to even think about moving any of his limbs, but he could tell by the numbness of most of them that they’d be useless if he tried. The silence was also not a good sign.

They’d been attacked, which was on the menu for them almost every day, but this time it was different. There had been too many of them. They had taken the lions before any member of the team could do anything. In a desperate attempt at not losing everything, Allura had sent them all out into space in escape pods. A last resort. He could still remember her face as the galra commander reached her and Coran. Her eyes filled with tears as she saw her only family leaving her behind, once again, this time probably for good. She looked terrified, the strength and determination she usually exhibited completely extinct. If Keith had been a more hopeful person, the sight might have broke him. It definitely broke Lance. As it was, he was having a hard time not crying, even though he knew it could only make the damage worse.

“Keith…” The voice made him try to get up, and he had never been good at controlling his impulses. He immediately regretted it, though, as he felt the nausea come back and before he knew it, vomited all over the floor of the escape pod. He couldn't even find it in himself to be embarrassed, he just wanted the world to stop spinning. It felt like it had been spinning his whole life, and he just wanted to stop for a second and breathe. He dry heaved a few times before his body gave him a break and he fell back towards the floor. 

He had almost forgotten the reason he had tried to sit up in the first place but he was harshly reminded when he heard an angry growl coming from somewhere on his right. He slowly turned his head towards the noise and opened his eyes.

He regretted it almost as soon as he did. 

Before him was none other than Lance, which didn’t shock him, as they had boarded the small pod together. They hadn’t even been thinking about who was leaving with who at the time, but Lance and Keith still gravitated towards each other enough that they ended up being shot out into space together. That wouldn’t have been an issue, since the remnants of their dislike towards each other had long been forgotten in between missions and shared memories. 

No, it wasn’t the sight of Lance that shocked him enough for his body to almost throw him into another dry heaving spree, it was Lance’s appearance. His skin was barely visible under all the red. There were pieces of glass stuck to the side of his face, probably a consequence of his helmet smashing, although said helmet was nowhere to be found. There must have been some kind of wound near the top of his head, because blood was dripping down his face and falling to the floor. His left eye was closed, as if he couldn’t manage to open it. Keith couldn’t tell much about the state of his body from where he was lying on the floor, but if Lance’s frustrated noises as he tried to move were anything to go by, it couldn’t be much better than his face. 

A wave of anger washed over Keith and it was almost enough to get him up, but he decided against it and settled for watching Lance as he struggled to move towards him. Keith thought that he had had a pretty shitty life, and there were many instances when he had wanted nothing more than to turn back time and go back to how things were. Because maybe shitty was shitty but at least it was familiar and comfortable, and in his experience, change was almost never good. But now, as he saw one of the only good cards he’d ever been dealt struggle on his way towards him, the light gone from his eyes as if someone had physically ripped it away, he couldn’t help but feel like he had never wanted to change the past as much as he did in that moment. 

“God, Keith…” He was taken out of his thoughts as Lance’s voice reached his ears. It was hoarse, though Keith didn’t know why. He had a brief moment of panic, thinking that something irreversible had happened to Lance’s voice. Then he decided there were already enough irreversible things happening and he was being stupid. “We need to… We have to find some supplies, we have to… we need to contact the others, we…”

Lance rambled like no one else, Keith knew. He found a way to simultaneously be the most eloquent person he knew and stutter his way through half of the sentences that left his mouth. He knew it was because there was so much inside of him, so much life, and soul, and feeling, that his mouth just couldn’t keep up sometimes. And that was fine, Keith loved everything he said. 

In this particular instance though, he knew he had to stop him.

“Lance, Lance… It’s fine. It’s okay.” He always said he wasn’t good with words, but it wasn’t true. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t know how to properly utilize them that he found them useless most of the time. He found that the most important things in life often went unsaid, because they weren’t meant to be said, because there wasn’t a language in the universe that could fully express them. That’s what he thought was happening now. He was saying that it was fine, even though it clearly wasn't. That it was okay. But he was saying more. He was always saying more when it came to Lance. Whether or not Lance knew it, that was a whole different question. 

“It’s not, it’s not, it’s not. We need to move, we need to do something. Come on, we have to…” He kept talking. It was probably a strain on his voice, on his thoughts, on his spirits, but he still kept talking. Because that’s who he was, and Keith found some sick comfort in the fact that even in the end, Lance would always be Lance. 

“Lance, it’s fine.” He wanted to say something else, he honestly did, but he had nothing else to say. He wanted to comfort Lance, say something that would calm him down, but he couldn’t. His brain was filled with thoughts and images and most of them were showing him everything he was never going to experience. 

He felt like he deserved to be a little selfish. 

“It’s not! Why do you keep saying that, it’s not! We have to-”

“Lance!” He raised his voice. Lance immediately stopped talking, and it was then that Keith took in the tears falling down his face, mixing with the blood and making the sight in front of him all the more harrowing. In any other situation, he would have wiped Lance’s tears away. Actually, scratch that, Keith thought. He wouldn’t have. He had spent an annoyingly long amount of time denying himself from many things. And as he lay there, his arms very clearly not fit for whatever he wanted to do, he asked himself why. For what. If this was really all there was to life, what had he been so scared for? “It’s fine.”

Lance let out a shaky breath and what sounded like a whine made his way past his lips. He closed his only functioning eye and pressed his forehead against Keith’s chest, sobbing. Keith also let his own silent tears fall down the side of his face as Lance held on to his suit with an iron grip and choked on air as he cried. 

They stayed like that for a long time, just holding on to each other, crying. They stayed like that long enough that Keith had time to remember their journey to that point with excruciating detail. How Lance wouldn’t stop screaming, how they had ran out of ammo very quickly, too quickly. How the galra had damaged their ship beyond repair long before they crashed. How even their armors were completely useless by the time they reached the planet’s atmosphere. How Lance had been silent as they fell, and they’d looked at each other, their hands touching, the words they had never said a heavy weight on their chests. How they hadn’t moved their eyes off each other until they first collided, and then everything had turned to black.

These memories did nothing to ease Keith’s tears, so he cried. And Lance cried. And none of them were sure about what they were crying about. There are times in life when tears keep coming, because there’s just too many things to cry about. This was one of those times. 

After a while, though, even the biggest crybaby runs out of tears. Tears really are just the physical manifestation of feelings. All kinds of them. And sometimes, towards the end, you just ran out of feelings completely. Keith could physically feel it as they left him. He had nothing left, he thought. 

That train of thought left him easily, though, because then he remembered who he was laying next to. And he remembered how for many years in his life he had thought he couldn’t feel. People in his life hadn’t exactly understood his motives for doing things, and he had been constantly reprimanded for not being empathetic enough or nice enough. Normal enough. It wasn’t until he met Shiro that someone called him something other than heartless. 

“You’re full of feelings, Keith.” He had said, laughing when Keith presented him with the issue. “It’s not that you don’t have any, it’s that you can’t handle how many you actually have.”

 

This memory brought another wave of tears. And the tears brought more memories. And Keith desperately wanted to be someone with a worse memory, because he didn’t think he could handle it. 

He thought about Shiro, about his strong presence that had made him feel safe for the very first time in his life. About his fatherly concern, and his stupid jokes. About how he’d fall asleep in the weirdest of places in the castle, and how he would never admit it, but he hated the food goo more than any of them. About how he had never failed him, ever. 

He thought about Hunk, about his smiles and how friendship was just something he gave away. About his hugs, which had made Keith believe that physical contact was good. About how most people thought he was just sweet, and had no idea he could be ruthless in the face of danger, especially if his friends were involved. About his sarcasm and his unwavering support.

He thought about Coran, about his endless knowledge that made it seem as if anything in the universe had a solution. About his useless advice that always, always ended up being useful. About the sparkle in his eyes and his passion for life, no matter how life treated him. About his careful nature, and the way he’d look at them as if they were his children.

He thought about Allura, about her fearless determination against everything life put in her way. About how she tried to act like a mighty princess, but preferred being just a girl around them. How she loved hearing what life was like on Earth and what everyone was up to. About her pain, her loss, her strength, her passion.

He thought about Pidge, about her rebellious nature but also the softness that was always there. About her jokes, and how she always seemed to say the right thing, even when she didn’t. About her intelligence, and her frustrated tears. About how she was a child, and she had called him her brother.

Lastly, he thought about Lance, because he was still holding on to him, although it was softer. His sobs had quieted down as well, but Keith was sure he was still soaking up his undersuit. Not that he could feel it. He could feel little else but the pain in his heart. He was kind of grateful his headache had finally left, although that couldn’t presage anything good. He thought about Lance, and he willed his heart to feel a little less pain. Because he didn’t want to associate Lance with sadness. Lance, with his soulful eyes, and charming personality. Lance, with his brilliant smile and his insecurities. Lance, with his endless pick-up lines and his genuine compliments. Lance, who had come into his life as uninvited as he had managed, but still made himself a place in Keith’s heart that he couldn’t have gotten rid of even if he had tried. And he had. Boy, had he tried.

Lance, who strode to places because he thought that people should “walk, not just travel from point a to point b, mullet.” Lance, who found something beautiful in everything he looked at, without realizing that he was probably seeing his own beauty reflected in everything his eyes stumbled upon. Lance, who had a way of making Keith feel both breathless and like he had never breathed before he came into the room.

Keith didn’t care much for words, but he was sure Lance’s name was the one he’d be saying on his dying breath.

Lance seemed to realize that they were never going to stop crying. The tears would just keep falling, whether they wanted it or not. He lifted up his head and looked at Keith, opening his eye again as he did. Keith wondered what Lance was seeing in that moment, what he was thinking. He had half a mind to ask, but he was interrupted before he could even make his brain form the thought. 

“You know… I…” For once in his life, Lance seemed to be at a loss for words. It was like he had finally run out, and that scared Keith more than he wanted to admit. Because Lance without words was like space without stars, and in a sick, twisted way, he was kind of glad that they would never get out of there, because he didn’t want to live in a world where Lance was silent. “It’s just like us to fight even now.”

That brought a broken laugh out of Keith, not because he found it funny, but because it was just like Lance to bring that up. The laugh made him cough, and he could feel blood coming out of his mouth with every movement.

“Yeah…” He said, moving his lips to form what he hoped looked like a smile. He wasn’t sure it was going to be of any help, but he had nothing else to do but try to make this as easy as possible for the boy in front of him. He would have done anything for him, this was the least he could do, now.

“I never hated you. Not even for a second.” Lance had stayed silent through his coughing fit, but started talking immediately afterwards. Keith was ashamed to admit, even to himself, that those words made him shed even more tears. It’s not that he didn’t know. He did. He had blamed himself and questioned why Lance hated him for a very long time, but now he could see things as clearly as if he’d always known. But still, the fact that Lance was telling him this, admitting something that was such a part of who they’d been for as long as they’d been part of each other’s lives, it did something to him.

“Me neither.” He said, because what else was there to say?

“I’m sorry.” Those were words he didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want Lance to think about every mistake they had made. About every word they hadn’t said. He didn’t even know what he wanted. He only knew that he was feeling lightheaded and Lance was in front of him and he was ethereal, even then. Even in the end. He thought that maybe it was the lack of oxygen. Or maybe it was goddamn love.

“You don’t have to…” He tried to speak, but he should have know he wouldn’t get very far. 

“But I do.” He was still crying, but his voice didn’t waver. He didn’t know how he could do that, and it struck Keith just how strong Lance actually was. He couldn’t believe Lance had ever thought of himself as weak. He was the opposite of weak. It was like he could hold the weight of the entire universe on his shoulders and still worry a little bit more. “I spent so much time trying to… convince… I don’t know who. You? Me?” 

He stopped talking then, lost in his thoughts. Keith didn’t, couldn’t possibly know what was going on inside his brain in that moment, so he let his eyes roam Lance’s face. His eyelashes were shining due to the tears and the blood was still dripping down the side of his face, but some of it had dried on his cheeks. Keith thought that he wanted to kiss his cheek. He probably would have, blood be damned, but if he had felt numb when he first woke up, he straight up couldn’t feel anything but his face now. He knew it couldn’t be long now, and he was struck with a terrifying thought.

He didn’t want to die.

It’s not that he didn’t know it before. He did, the tears in his eyes were a dead give away. But he hadn’t fully comprehended what it meant. This was really it. This was the last time he’d ever see anything, or smile, or laugh. The last time he’d ever breathe. The last time he’d ever see Lance. 

“I wasted so much time trying… to hate you. And I can’t. I couldn’t.” Lance kept talking, but Keith’s thoughts were racing. The words he usually ignored were bottling up inside of him and for the first time he wished he had more time to speak. He had so much to say. He didn’t know how to even say it, but he knew he needed to. He had to. “I could never hate you… Keith, I’m…” 

“I know.” He said. Because he knew. He finally did. “Me, too.”

“I’m just… so fucking sorry.” Lance said, his voice shaking as he tried to get all the words out. Maybe he was as desperate as Keith. Maybe he also felt like he was drowning in all the things he’d never get to say.

“Me, too.” It was like there were no other words. He always knew Lance and him were alike. He guessed he hadn’t realized just how true that statement was.

“I love you.”

Keith had thought that if he ever heard those words, if they were ever muttered to him by the boy in front of him, in any context. The world would tilt sideways. Stars would fall, and rain would somehow appear in the middle of space. He thought everything would change. He was shocked to find that nothing really changed, nothing except his heart, the one he thought couldn’t possibly bear to hold more pain. But it could. Because Keith, even as he responded, felt as if it had been ripped open.

“Me, too.”

And then they didn’t say anything else, because Lance’s lips were on his and the world finally stopped spinning. He cursed himself for every second of his life before he met this boy, wasted. And every second where he had known him but had treated him like he wasn’t the most beautiful thing in the entire universe, wasted. And most of all, he cursed himself for every second he would never experience with him.

And he cursed the entire universe, and life, for dealing him the cards it had. And he cursed every person he had ever met and every person he would never get to meet. And he cursed everything he had ever lived through and he cursed every experience he would never get to live through. He cursed the heavens and he cursed Earth and he cursed anything and everything that passed through his mind. But he did it in silence, in the depths of his mind. Because his mouth was occupied, and when it stopped being occupied, only one word left his lips.

“Lance.”

And when his eyes closed, for the last time, he thought that maybe he hadn’t been cursing. And maybe hate wasn’t that far from love. And maybe ends and beginnings were once and the same. And maybe they’d find each other again.

And he wasn’t a hopeful person, but in that moment, God he hoped. 

He hoped.


End file.
